Am I A People Pleaser? And If So, How Do I Overcome People Pleasing Tendencies?

Mar 11

A people pleaser is someone who appeases and tries to keep the other person happy, at the cost of themselves. A people pleaser is going to put other peoples opinions, wants, requests, and even needs above their own to minimize confrontation, conflict, or disagreement. People pleasers want to keep the peace, pretend things are okay, and maintain ease in the relationship.

This may sound like being “kind” but the truth is people pleasing means you are not being authentic to you and you are ignoring or even abandoning your own feelings, opinions, desires, and needs. While maybe that doesn’t sound so bad superficially, there is a cost over time. It slowly but surely breaks down the trust within yourself. If you are a life long people pleaser, you may not even know who you are and what brings you joy because you are so used to thinking of other people first. If I asked you what your top 5 values and 5 emotional needs that are most important for you are, could you answer? If there is hesitation that may be a sign of being a long term people pleaser.

The good news is this can be shifted and changed and overcome, it just takes intention and effort and getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Before I keep going with how one can work through people pleasing, here are more signs that you may be a people pleaser:

You tell people that everything is fine or okay, even when you are most struggling
When a friend or loved one asks what you want to do you automatically tell them you don’t care and it’s up to them
You say yes 9/10 times and rarely say no
When you do say no, you may back track and say “actually its up to you” or “maybe” - holding firm boundaries is tough
You don’t actually truly understand what boundaries are or how to set, maintain, or follow through on them
Disagreeing with someone else makes you deeply uncomfortable, anxious, or fearful and you want to avoid it
Communicating in a direct manner and being honest about your feelings or needs is really hard
The times you do get the courage to say something honest or request something from someone you over apologize or feel guilt inside
You don’t often feel you can even say no to something, you feel you HAVE to respond certain ways to people
You take on more than you should at work or at home and find yourself secretly frustrated, more stressed, and running on empty
Asking for help feels hard and its not something you like to or even want to do
You spend so much of your time doing what other people want

People pleasing is a bit deeper than just wanting to avoid conflict or confrontation. There is more underneath the surface. Sometimes there is a deep fear that if you disagreed with a loved one, they will think badly of you, that you will hurt them, or that they will actually dislike you. Sometimes there is a fear that if they see the real you, that they will see that you are not worthy or good enough for them. Sometimes there is a fear if you speak up, they will want to leave the relationship.

So now, what? How do I undo this?

There is hope! People pleasing was a learned behavior or something you developed over time for various reasons. For starters, figuring that out can be quite helpful - to understand what purpose people pleasing is serving you. To figure out when you learned it and how long its been going on. Then there are many next steps in overcoming and changing these behaviors. I will say though, it does take time and intention. It takes practice. It takes getting comfortable with the discomfort its going to bring. But when you do, you will feel empowered, relieved, and ultimately more yourself. When you start living life for yourself you feel bold, confident, and more authentically you which builds back up the trust in yourself. You start seeing yourself differently and you feel proud of yourself. And, ironically though you may believe the opposite as a people pleaser - you will have better, deeper, and more meaningful relationships with others.

Here is some of the work that can be done that helps:

Uncovering where people pleasing came from and what its serving you
Identifying the fears and the deep rooted beliefs that are behind people pleasing tendencies
Learning what your feelings, opinions, values, desires, and needs are
Developing assertive communication skills and practicing
Learning what boundaries are, how to set them, maintain them, and not go back on them
Asking for help, support, and requesting needs
Learning distress tolerance and mindfulness skills
Making self care a priority and learning how to best take care of yourself
Shifting inner critic to a more compassionate kind one

Through coaching and/or support groups, I’d be honored to help you along the way to break these tendencies, find freedom from people pleasing, and help strengthen your relationship with yourself!

Coaching - we will work through above steps (and more) together, create a plan of attack, and begin taking action.

Support Group - in addition to the above ^ you will also get to hear from other people pleasers to feel less alone in this struggle. It can be quite isolating, but when you realize how many people also experience this, you’ll feel empowered to do something about it. You will also get to hear other peoples ideas, receive support and encouragement from them, and get the accountability of speaking it all into existence in front of others.

If any of this resonates and you want to learn how to go about the next steps, please feel free to reach out to me and schedule a free 20 minute phone consultation or email me directly